Early June, 2000

Here are photos from when Geoff proposed to Craig

Geoff-This letter describes the emotional story of our wedding weekend. It is a long story. For your convenience here’s an index with hyperlinks. If you prefer to read a print version you can download a Microsoft Word 97 version of this letter. At the end is contact information for us in New York, and info on where to find more wedding pictures.

* Friday Dinner with Local Friends
* Auf Ruf
* Family Brunch
* Saturday Dinner with Friends from out of town
* Coit Tower
* Wedding Day Ceremony
* Reception and Reflection
* New York Info.
* Ketubah Text

What a time it has been – Craig and I are still experiencing the emotional afterglow of an incredible wedding weekend. The last six months have been quite intense for us, with wedding planning (there were ten events in all), school, work, move planning (we move June 15), and general life stuff. Although, we arrived at the weekend a bit unready, a bit frazzled, and a bit unfocused, the meaning of the weekend came through the fog and made itself apparent quite forcefully.

Friday Dinner with Local Friends
It began with our arriving late to our first event, a dinner with local friends on Friday night. It was at a Spanish restaurant with wonderful paella and great charm. When a flamenco dancer in a fiery red skirt came to our table I thought Cliff Kellas, resident Salsa maniac, would rise and try and teach her some steps, but he graciously let her have her moment in the spotlight. Craig and I both found ourselves with light appetites, which allowed us to make our way around the table and visit with people. Glendon gave us a book and set of markers for people to draw pictures and messages to us. We took it to every event thereafter and will treasure the creative result. My best friend, and best man, Robert Ayala, gave a touching toast about how sometimes familiarity breeds contempt, but knowledge of something also breeds deeper understanding, and that can lead to great love. I am paraphrasing his rousing recitation of a quote from the fifteenth century Alchemist, Paracelsus. He didn’t go to toast masters for nothing after all! A highlight for me was seeing our friends, who know each other largely through us, connecting. It began a theme of the weekend: creating community.

When we arrived at the synagogue we were surprised to see many more people we knew, some from out of town, many from our synagogue community. We quickly made our way around the room, saying hello to all, and feeling very warm and special. The unrealness of it all was starting to wear off and the excitement began to kick-in. When I took Craig’s hand I could feel a slight shiver.

Craig-At the dinner and especially the synagogue I was thrilled and a bit overwhelmed to be surrounded by so many friends (and my parents, who both made a point of coming) and to feel so much energy and love directed at us. I felt the total of this group energy to be much more intense than the sum of its parts. I think of it as a bit of an epiphany – I really felt the spiritual power of focused love and energy. In some ways, I was riding on a wave of this energy all weekend.

Auf Ruf
Geoff-Halfway through the service I was called by my Hebrew name to the bimah. With Craig by my side I accepted the honor of reciting the prayers preceding and following a reading from the Torah. The Torah was then covered and our dear friend Mark Gershman rose and joined us on the bimah to announce our covenant to the community and begin the spiritual celebration of the weekend. He called the community to gather around us and sing a small niggun (wordless incantation) with him. The almost hypnotic rocking tune brought to focus the attention of all on us. As we looked about at the shining faces of friends, relatives and strangers alike we understood why we were there, in this, our community, to make this step in our lives. Sharing our love in that moment made the community stronger, and us stronger as well.

Following the service Craig and I retreated with our separate friends for individualized bachelor parties. Craig, who had asked not to have a bachelor party ended up drinking champagne in a hotel suite and heading to a strip club with a group of friends. I, who specifically asked for a bachelor party, ended up at Robert’s with a small group of people chatting for a few hours. Isn’t life ironic? We were both equally satisfied with our evenings. I believe the most disappointed person was my brother Josh’s girlfriend, who had high hopes that my party would be full of wacky debauchery. My brother seemed mildly relieved.

Craig-My favorite part of my strip-club experience was having a man dance on my lap while he asked me questions about my partner and our wedding. Not exactly a turn-on, but it was fun.

Family Brunch
Geoff-The next day began with a small family brunch at the Metro Café, a lovely French bistro four blocks from our house. (As our family learned on the walk back to the house with us, four blocks in San Francisco will almost always include at least one hill and one extra long block making it a "significant" walk). We faced our only major strain of the weekend upon arrival at brunch.

Craig-Many months before the wedding, I told my dad I’d be more comfortable if he came to the wedding alone. I am still adjusting to his 3^rd divorce and his new relationship with Sue and her kids Tanner and Rianna. My dad and I spent countless hours discussing and debating this issue, and I spent many many hours talking with Geoff, my friends, and my therapist about this. My feelings never really changed, though. I felt that on this special weekend, I wanted to have his full attention and not be distracted myself by my mixed feelings at having his new "family" at our wedding. We asked my dad to come alone, and he insisted on bringing S, T, & R to San Francisco with him. I told him I was concerned he would then bring them to one of our events against our wishes, and he said he would never do that. So we resolved that he would come to our events alone, but would have S, T, & R with him in town.

As Geoff and I walked into the Metro for the family brunch, the owner Patricia commented that someone had called that morning to add three more people to our party. "No we didn’t," we said, "you must be thinking of some other group." When we got to the patio and saw my dad with S, T, & R, we understood. I was surprised and confused; Geoff was upset. He being the more direct and quick to respond, he immediately started telling my dad that S, T & R needed to leave. My dad said he would have to go, too. So after a few more words, Dad, S, T, & R left. It was very upsetting for all of us, and most of our families were left wondering why we had such a bone to pick with Sue and her kids. By that time, however, the issue really wasn’t about S, T, & R. It was about my dad not honoring our wishes around our wedding. We felt lied to and disrespected by him, and we weren’t willing to just let that happen. I was upset, distracted, and very emotional for the rest of the day. I feel that we handled it the best way possible, but I was sad that my dad missed our family brunch, since the point was for our families to meet.

Geoff- We’re including these details here because, as you all know by now, we live our lives openly and honestly. The issue of Bo’s betrayal was a meaningful factor in the weekend. I went for a walk around the block after the heated confrontation. Patricia, the owner of the bistro gave me a Mimosa in a paper cup to take with me – the French know how to relax after fights. When I returned we all did our best to move on. Both our mothers made short but sweet toasts from the heart. Craig’s Uncle Bob made a wonderful toast we both will cherish. He reiterated a point he has made before that we are students of relationship, we observe others and incorporate what we learn into our relationship. He pointed out that at the same time others are observing us, and that we should count on those watchful eyes for support, strength and knowledge. I recently was reviewing a sheet of practice job interview questions and came across the question: "Name one thing you are proud of." Our relationship immediately came to mind. It is a creation not only of love, but of careful thought, study, and consideration. Bob’s toast rang very true. When all the toasting was done Patricia and I brought out one incredible chocolate mousse cake for Bob’s birthday, and one for Craig’s brother Mark’s birthday. Finally we spent some time fawning over Patricia’s baby and then all made our way to our garden in front of our little red cottage for a rehearsal. There were eleven people to coordinate around the Huppah, but we managed well – and it gave our families some more time to interact in a looser forum. When we done and most folks had cleared out Craig’s grandmother took a nap on the enclosed sun porch that serves as our living room and we tried to do the same upstairs. We ended up talking the time away instead – there was much to process.

Saturday Dinner with Friends from out of town
We then dressed and rushed over to a dinner in the Italian neighborhood of North Beach for dinner with friends from out of town. Bocce turned out to be an excellent choice with nice reasonably priced wine and platters overflowing with traditional Italian dishes. This was our first chance seeing some friends in quite some time and it was hard to take our seats. My best friend from college, Lisa Swirsky, gave a spot on accurate toast I believe I memorized. Here’s what I remember:

When Geoff and Craig first met in Chicago none of his friends thought they would last. Geoff was creative and theatrical, and Craig was into computers and logical. Geoff, well…, Geoff was Geoff, and Craig was neat and tidy. Of course, anyone who has been to the web site can see they have grown to be very similar, in fact they even look alike now. Craig, thank you for helping Geoff to find his inner Computer Geek self. And Geoff, thank you for helping Craig to find his inner therapy patient self. So I raise a toast, may your life together be as long and enjoyable as your family letters.

We all laughed and then finished dessert.

Coit Tower
We slowly climbed our way up the steep slope to Coit Tower, enjoying the vistas along the way. We arrived a bit early and walked around the hilltop while a team of friends set-up a full bar, hors-d’oeuvres, and decorations inside the tower. We then gathered people together in the back of the tower, away from tourists and Michael Chertok and Chaya Rivka Mayerson (friends from the synagogue) led a short and lovely Havdallah ceremony. I thanked everyone for coming and explained that this was our gift back to our friends for coming and supporting us. The evening was all around wonderful. The views from the top of the tower are stunning and seeing it at sun set through dusk was incredibley special. The weather was shockingly perfect. The previous night the tower had been ensconced in fog. This night the fog creeped in magically through the golden gate, but remained at bay from the tower. I can think of no better way to convey our love for San Francisco than by sharing the beauty and majesty of the city as seen from Coit Tower on a warm summer night.

So many friends had pitched in to help with Coit Tower we felt sincerely blessed to have such a strong community. From Craig’s friend Ernesto, to Chris Hillyard whom I know from my MBA program, to our dear friend Clifford Kellas whom Craig met on the AIDS Ride, to Tony Harris who hired me for my first real contract position – these spectacular individuals gave us an evening we will never forget.

Wedding Day Ceremony
The next morning Craig and I made a few necessary phone calls and then walked ourselves down to a local eatery for a hearty breakfast. There were still lose ends, but we knew it would all turn out fine in the end. On our way to breakfast we received the first alarming phone call from the bakery – our cake had been damaged in transport, they needed more time. The Alice-In-Wonderland cake from Just Deserts was one of the single most expensive pieces of the wedding. Before we had set a date or location we had selected this cake. Its playful pastel colors and funky angled layers really spoke to us. I was worried, Craig calmed me. The second call at the end of breakfast – they couldn’t save the cake, they would start from scratch. They asked if they could call us if there was a problem – I said they were welcome to call our cell phone, but that we might be in the middle of a wedding and unable to get to the phone. We rushed home and met up with the head of our reception set-up team and the ceremony location team (both of which were made up of friends). I went up to Buena Vista park with an old friend from college, Noah Levine and we cleared the gate, drove to the top of the hill and with Francesca, Guido, Chris, and Noah we set the stage. I then rushed down to the synagogue in time to meet Craig and friends for our Ketubah signing. Our reception set-up team was well under way setting stuff in a side room. They worked quickly and efficiently and we were able to start promptly at 12:30.

Craig- I had slept poorly the previous night with thoughts about my dad, and I felt very stressed with all the details we still had to take care of. So I stayed home, hoping to relax while Geoff coordinated setup at the park. But of course there was no time for that, and Cliff and I scrambled to get ready and make sure to bring all the necessary props (ketubah, rings, kiddush cup, notes, etc.) Neither of us even had time to do a good job shaving. But by the time we got to the synagogue for the kettubah signing, I felt really "on", collected, and present for this exciting day. This feeling continued and I was able to fully enjoy the day.

Geoff-We read aloud the ketubah, explained some of the imagery and meaning behind it. (We’ve included the text of our ketubah at the end of this letter.) We asked our six witnesses to come forward as we signed it and then they signed it. We then adapted a medieval tradition of smashing a piece of crockery on the ground as a symbol that once something is broken you can’t fix it. I took a ceramic pot in one hand and hammer in another. Craig and I both come from families of divorce. We understand that relationships don’t break with the one great smash, but often with little cracks. As I said this I began tapping on the pot. Our hope is that we can find the small cracks and mend them along the way before the pieces fall of and the damage is irrevocable – and with that I smashed the pot to bits. Curtis Moore, another college friend, then came forward with a white kerchief and in acknowledgement of the ancient tradition of an exchange of goods to solidify the contract just signed we each grabbed hold of the kerchief simultaneously.

A bus awaited the guests and took them to the park where they then walked the last eighth of a mile to the top. The day was perfect. Sunny, but with a cooling breeze. When enough people had gathered together. We began with the raising of the Huppah held firm by my two older brothers, Craig’s brother and his uncle. Our officiant, and friend, Sue then lead those gathered in a niggun. I entered from one side with Craig’s mom and my dad and Craig entered with my mom and his dad – representing the combination of families. We stepped onto the platform and under the Huppah and breathed. Then three times Craig circled me, slowly defining the space and the moment. I then circled him three times thinking of what we were about to do, the quiet of the moment, the man before me. Sue welcomed everyone and spoke on the meaning of marriage and commitment. Craig stepped forward and told of four people in his life who have died, but whose spirits he felt present with him under the Huppah. His mother’s mother, Jeannette George, his father’s father Fred Persiko, and two role models of his from college - Harry Mullikin and Gary Parker. (Craig: Harry was a professor at the Claremont Colleges, and he and Gary had been together for over 20 years. They were like the gay dads of the Colleges, and were incredibly generous to many of us. They died in a car crash while touring in Cuba last year.) I mentioned my Uncle of who died of AIDS in the eighties still closeted to his family, my college mentor Sam Todes who died of cancer in 1994, and my dear friend Mike Crafton who died of AIDS in 1994 one month shy of his 24^th birthday. One thing Mike regretted most was dying before finding true love. He’s been on my mind a lot these days. We breathed in this moment and for both Craig and myself – we were in a deeper spiritual plane from here on. Sue mentioned Craig’s good friends James Dean and Neil Grungras, my close friends Alison Hill and Marc Bleiker, and my grandfather Noah Benjamin all of whom were unable to travel because of distance but who sent their love and thoughts. Craig’s grandmother then passed him the cup of wine. After blessing and reciting an extra special prayer for special moments together we both sipped from it.

Craig-Next was Sue’s drash, or sermon. She spoke of the Torah portion for the week and tied it to themes around our wedding, but for me it was really a time to just breathe in the moment. I didn’t follow exactly what she said, but I took many deep breaths, gazed at Geoff, and looked about at our friends, family, and the strangers on the fringe of the crowd who had wandered by. Beyond them I could see pieces of the city mountains through the trees. I felt like we were being married before the whole world.

After Sue’s drash came our own readings we had selected and left as a surprise for each other. I read the beginning of the song "Fumbling Toward Ecstasy" by Sarah McLachlan:

The fear has left me now.
I'm not frightened anymore.
It's my heart that pounds beneath my flesh.
It's my mouth that pushes out this breath.
If I shed a tear I won't cage it.
I won't fear love.
If I feel a rage I won't deny it.
I won't fear love.

Those words convey a lot of my feelings regarding where I am today and what it means to me to get married. Geoff’s reading was from the musical "Rent":

Live in my house
I’ll be your shelter
Just pay me back with one thousand kisses
Open your door
I’ll Be your tenant
Don’t got much baggage
To lay at your feet
But Sweet Kisses I’ve got to spare
I’ll be there – I’ll cover you
You’ll be my king
And I’ll be your castle
Now you’ll be my queen
And I’ll be your moat
All my life
I’ve longed to discover
Something as true as this
With a thousand sweet kisses
I’ll cover you

Next, with words from our ketubah, we exchanged rings, with the help of Cliff, our Ring Bearer, Aaron, our Apple Bearer, and Noah, our Tapestry Bearer. Then Sue read the remainder of the ketubah, and then read the seven blessings in Hebrew followed by our translations.

While Sue was reading the blessings, I was reveling in the moment again. Geoff then calmly leaned over and whispered in my ear, "we forgot to bring the wine glass to shatter at the end of the ceremony." After a few moments we came to the same conclusion: we had to break our kiddush cup. Our friend Robert had given it to us as a gift on Friday night to use for the wine during the ceremony. We had intended to break an old wine glass, but now we had only Robert’s gift to smash. It is traditional to wrap the glass in cloth to contain the breakage, and Geoff still had in his pocket the handkerchief Curtis had given us at the ketubah signing. We had all the tools we needed, and they were unexpectedly provided by our friends.

Before the breaking of the glass, however, Ann led a responsive reading by Judy Chicago on the theme of harmony and Eden, and we all sang the prayer "Eili Eili", which Geoff and I like for its themes on continuity and the presence of God. While Sue explained the breaking of the glass, I motioned to Sittu (my grandmother) to bring me the cup again. I dumped out the wine, we wrapped it in the handkerchief, and we prepared to stomp extra hard to make sure and break the ceramic cup.

Geoff-For a wedding that was hyper-planned with everything running on time and on cue it turned out to be this wonderfully precious symbol. We could not make the culminating moment work without a little ingenuity, a little team work, and the tools from our friends.

Craig-After the cup was broken, we kissed and hugged intensely as the crowd broke into a chorus of "siman tov u mazel tov". Then we ran off down the road, holding hands. Noah had lent us his car, and we parked it just out of site. We drove it back to the synagogue for yichud -- a little private time before we greeted all our guests. We ducked into the empty rabbi’s office to revel in our first few moments of married life. Sittu’s home-baked cookies provided a nice snack, too. We then had an opportunity to visit with many friends.

Reception and Reflection
The reception at the synagogue was amazing. Our cake exceeded our original expectations!

Both of our dads gave heartfelt toasts, and both expressed their artistic sides! My dad sang at the end of his, and Roy (Geoff’s dad) read us a poem he’d written. In place of throwing a bouquet and/or a garter to predict the next bride or groom, we had an apple-shaped piñata with an apple and a ring inside. After several swings, the Big Apple came down and all the eager single guests scrambled to find a ring and apple. Cliff and Brian were the lucky winners. (Did you guys go on your date yet?)

After the reception, we went out with an impromptu group of around 10 friends for a simple dinner, then drinks at the Castro hangout Harvey’s. We told our waitress at Harvey’s that we’d just gotten married (as we gave her some of Sittu’s cookies), and before long she gave Geoff and I a shot and a glass of champagne each, and got the whole bar to sing, "Going to the chapel and they’re… gonna get married…" She announced that we had just gotten married, and the whole bar seemed to cheer as we kissed!

After a "disco nap", we went over to Robert’s house with many of those friends, and we stayed up most of the night talking and cherishing the closeness we all felt after this incredible weekend. I feel very proud of the community I think we’ve helped create, in general and especially through our wedding. Our friends came through for us fantastically, and I think we all became closer to each other in the process. I kept comparing our wedding to an Amish barn-raising, where a large group of volunteers work together to accomplish a difficult task, and strengthen their community in the process. Although it would have made things much easier for many of us, I’m very glad we didn’t hire event organizers, caterers, bartenders, etc. To do so would have made the weekend feel more impersonal to me, and I think to many of those who helped.

Geoff-How do you define community? How do you create it? I’m not sure, but I felt it during our wedding weekend. Those of you present and those present only in thoughts and wishes came together in a certain time around a certain purpose and found a connection you did not have before. People have asked us why we chose to get married. We receive absolutely no legal or financial benefits. We intend no change in our relationship otherwise. Why go through all this trouble? Your joy for us, your love, and caring thoughts, your friendship over the years and/or months, your wonderful being brought meaning to this event. The answer is not in us, but in you – the members of our community. You now understand why we are together. What we have, what this model of relationship can look like, what we have and why we have it. And you are the fuller person for it. Thank you for being you.

Craig- After catching up on sleep and handling a few details (such as giving leftover cake and drinks to Francesca and Guido for their post-graduation party) we had lunch in the East Bay with Geoff’s brothers and their partners before heading to the Claremont for our mini-honeymoon. Geoff’s step-sister Alexis gave us the gift of a fantastic room in this luxury hotel and spa. We stayed one night, fully enjoying the time to reflect and cherish each other. The meals were excellent, and the massages, etc. were rejuvenating.

New York Info.
Since our honeymoon, we’ve been preparing to move and cherishing our last meals and activities with local friends for a while. We sold most of our furniture at a garage sale, and now need to pack boxes for storage and shipping. We fly to New York June 15, and we’re travelling light. We were fortunate to find an apartment already (Geoff saw it when he was in NY for interviews), and it sounds like a good arrangement. We’ll have one roommate in a 3-room flat. So we will have a bedroom and a study / guest room, and share the kitchen and bathroom with our roommate Sean. The best part is the location: it’s in Greenwich Village, very close to NYU, where I’ll be going to school full time starting in the fall, to get an M.S. in Computer Science.

After settling into NY and enjoying Gay Pride at the end of June, we’re going to Provincetown, MA for July 4^th weekend with some friends from here and the East Coast. Then I’ll be taking a class in Discrete Structures at Fordham University’s Lincoln Center campus on Tuesday and Thursday evenings from July 6 – August 8. I’ll be off for the last 3 weeks of August, so I’ll come back to SF for a visit, and maybe do a bit more travelling.